Sharing this journey for all to see was meant to be an incentive. It was meant to be support network for others who, like me, seem to be on a never ending roller coaster of excuses.
To be someone who people can relate to when I have small achievements, along with seeing my fails.
Yet I don’t feel inspirational. I don’t feel proud of myself.
Recently, all I feel (yet again), is disappointment in myself and how I have fallen of the wagon and back into the lazy mode lane.
So what has changed?
Everything and nothing I guess.
I’m awful for letting life get in the way for me. I simply cannot put myself first.
I often say how you can’t pour from an empty cup and stress the importance of self preservation but I find that easier said than done.
Miss P is experiencing seperation anxieties with me since going back to school this term, and seeing your baby cry for you is HARD.
I worry terribly about her and wake regularly through the night, wondering how else I can help her etc. The sensible side of me knows that I should catch up on missed sleep whenever the opportunity arises but I don’t. Instead, I reach for the junk food, sit on my bottom and watch pointless TV.
I’ve also returned to the land of employment. After 8 years of being a stay at home parent, I am now a fully fledged employee of a well known store and while I am loving it, it has been quite a shock to my system. My daily step count has easily multiplied!
And there lays the reasons
Those seem to be the 2 most obvious reasons for me feeling the way I do at the moment.
Same old reasons, same old excuses.
Being up regularly through the night leaves me too tired to plan meals before hand. I just cant be bothered to sit and do an online food shop (I find that I don’t buy as much of the unhealthy foods when shopping from a computer as it isn’t real and therefore easier to skim past). So when it comes to a meal time and there isn’t the right foods in the fridge/cupboards, my solution has reverted back to a takeaway. You know the conversations that begin… well by the time I go to the shop, buy the food, cook the food, we might as well get a Chinese takeaway. It will be so much easier…
Or if its a day I am working, I sort my families meal before I leave and don’t include food for myself.
‘No problem! I’ll just grab a bag of chips in my lunch break’, which in turn means I have had chips for 3 days running and zero fruit or veg.
Not good Questers, NOT GOOD!
To be more organised!
Quite simply, quitting this Quest is not an option.
I need to accept that I’ve had another blip (yep, ANOTHER one) and have a plan in place.
I know the days I work so I need to be more organised. If I can make packed lunches in advance for the children, then I can make one up for myself too. Even if I use the same tricks to get their 5 a day into me too, then that’s how it must be.
As for the tiredness and interrupted sleep?
Guess I need to go to bed earlier until Miss P is settled again. I’m sure once she is back to being the happy go lucky little girl I know, I too will be sleeping through the night. (Incidentally, she thoroughly enjoys school and is very fond of her teachers and friends. The problem lies with missing me. It may also me connected to my return to work but that’s just something I have to do).
I think its important to find a positive point or moment in my journey too and for me, that is one I’m proud of.
During the 8 weeks of taking prescribed steroids, I only put on 4lb. Quite an achievement I’m told as steroids are notorious for increasing your appetite and therefore your weight.
So it isn’t all bad. If you can find one good thing along the way, it means things aren’t as bad as they seem!