As always, I find this quest hard. At present, I’m finding it so hard and I’m honestly struggling to juggle everything.
I don’t just mean the exercise.
I don’t just mean the diet.
I mean mentally and emotionally.
First and foremost in life, I am a mum and as all parents, putting your children’s feelings and happiness before my own is the norm. Its what we do.
Yet with 4 children, with such a wide age range, each of their needs is so different and the emotions that go with it vary massively.
With J (Mr 21 yr old) he has just moved in to his first home with his wonderful girlfriend C.
With him living in London and me living in South Wales, I have ached to hold him and tell him in person how proud I am and how much I miss him. But instead, I ‘miss’ a planned workout because I cant be bothered to get off the sofa as I’m feeling fed up.
With B (Mr 19) adjusting to him being home, has been tricky (for both of us) to say the least.
He is used to his own space in university and I am no longer used to teenagers and their habits that he has brought with him.
I have not been the most patient with it all and bam! Guilt!!
Ah, that would be me eating that emotionally charged bar of chocolate I know I shouldn’t be eating but I am.
Then there is C. My 8 year old who, for the last 7 years, has been the most endearing little boy, who now has such huge bolts of hormones, spearing through him at unprecedented rates, that I do not recognise the child before me. The attitude. The disrespect. The defiance.
You would think being the 3rd child, I’d be ready for it. Like a knight going into battle with what is to come but instead, it blindsides me. As it did with J. As it did with B.
I feel like I have been robbed of the child I knew and left with a stranger who is stood before me who ultimately is just a little boy, just as confused as me at what is happening.
So what do I do? Comfort eat. Again…
And finally Miss P.
Oh, Miss P is off to school next week and the thought of her going is crippling me. I cant sleep. I keep going through every possible scenario. Worrying if she will cope, wondering how she will deal with the change.
Of course it is but at no point of this journey have I claimed to be rational and with my last child moving on to her next chapter, for me, it has come far sooner than I am ready for.
So, combined, all these things are having the biggest of effects on me.
I don’t want to exercise. I want to wallow in my own self pity.
Healthy eating? No thanks, whats the point?
It’s hard to stay positive when you are surrounded by shitty feelings that are just part and parcel of life.
Yet, I need to turn this stuff around. This is going to undo everything I have worked so hard for.
I must hold it together because I cant give up now!!